Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Disconnected, not Mad

I feel bad that I DON'T feel bad. Is that bad? My mother is leaving soon for a trip. She has been going on trips in her RV with her husband since I was in Jr. High. Last year was my 10 year high school reunion if that helps tell you how long she's been traveling. She comes back for a few months at a time, but generally spends most of the year on the road. She comes back for special occasions graduation, my wedding, the birth of my kids. She'll stay for a while and then they are off again. When she is "here" she tries to just jump in like we have the perfect family. We don't and that's annoying that she can't just deal.

Over the years, I have simply become accustomed to it, and it's not a big deal. I don't cry when she leaves. I don't feel that sorry for her if it's more her husbands' idea to be gone, because marriage is a compromise, and if she wanted to stay that bad, she would figure it out. I don't feel sad when she calls me and is sad that she misses us or the kids. I simply disconnect myself from the whole things because for about 13 years, this has been how it is. She's flighty, I get it. her marriage isn't great, I get it.

It's annoying, but it doesn't really make me sad or mad. And that in itself makes me mad. But not enough to try and change it. Not enough to talk to her about. There really isn't anything to talk about. She's very dramatic and I couldn't even stand to have a conversation with her that would result in her crying. It's too dramatic for me. That makes me feel bad too.

2 comments:

Not So Perfect said...

The first two sentences of this post crack me up. Partly because it is familiar to me.

Don't feel bad if you don't feel bad. I do the same thing though, feel guilty for not feeling guilty resulting in guilt and in your case feeling bad.

I am sorry things aren't the way you would like them to be with your mom. Sometimes it is just easier to disconnect then to deal with the feelings attached.

Constance65 said...

I have the same situation...well not the traveling part(no, they did that while I was at home), but the part where I have finally stopped feeling bad that I don't fall for some of her manipulative ways...that we are a perfect family, that she is the perfect grandma or mother. I am sorry that your relationship with your mom isn't better, but I think this is what makes you an AMAZING mother....you have learned what you DOn't want to do with your kids, ya know? At least that is what I like to think I am doing with mine.

Have I mentioned I love this song?